Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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