Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize