I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
