My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that's an acceptable place to lick
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
