nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
