i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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