i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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