You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
