I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize