I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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