Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
