What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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