my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize