70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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