my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
