Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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