Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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