Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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