I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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