When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
