; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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