Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
