Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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