I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
