I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
