I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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