If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
