Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize