the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
