you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
