i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
