woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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