Jerry, you need to find god
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
