After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
