Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
