I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
