and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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