Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
