Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
