i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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