god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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