see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
