Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
