the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
