Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
