Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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