My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
