Sry I called you an 8
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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