i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do herpes really smell.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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