My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Randomize
