I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
