I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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