I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
