WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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