Can i not drive my cunt home
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
