i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize