At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she told me i tasted like america
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize