I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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